Almost Doesn't Count
by Misha
Summary: Set after Exit Strategy, Pheobe reflects on her lost love.


Almost Doesn't Count   
By Michelle

Disclaimer- The characters of Charmed belong to Aaron Spelling and The WB, I don't own them, but nor am I making any money off using them in this story, so please don't sue! Also, I don't own the song "Almost Doesn't Count" that belongs to Brady, but again I'm not making any money off using it in this story, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- Okay, this is an incredibly depressing Cole/Phoebe piece inspired by "Exit Strategy", normally I plan on writing happier stories, it's just that this time I couldn't help it. I couldn't get the idea for this out of my head, besides the song I used was perfect. Anyway, this is from Phoebe's PoV and I hope you like.

Pairing- Phoebe/Cole

Spoilers- All the Cole episodes up to "Exit Strategy".

Rating- PG-13

* * *

_Almost made you love me   
Almost made you cry   
Almost made you happy, baby   
Didn't I didn't I_

Sometimes, I get the Book of Shadows out and just stare at the page marked Belthazor. I look at it and I think about the man behind the demon.

About the man I loved. The man I almost had a future with. I think about him often. About everything that happened between us.

I'll never forget him, I know that much. I'll never forget a single moment that we sent together. I'll never forget that for a brief moment in time, he was mine and I was his.

And most of all, I'll never forget that he almost succeeded in turning good for me.

_You almost had me thinkin'   
You were turned around   
But everybody knows   
Almost doesn't count_

But he didn't. In the end, the pull to evil was too strong and he succumbed.

Even years later, that still hurts. The thought of still hurts. But, in time it got better. It no longer hurts as much as it once did. I haven't seen him since the day he shimmered out of the attic after he killed Jenna.

For a while, I considered summoning him and vanquishing him, but in the end I decided against it. I know that he won't hurt me or my sisters, that he'll stay away from us, and that's enough.

_Almost heard you saying   
You were finally free   
What was always missing for you, baby   
You'd found it in me_

He came so close to getting rid of his demon side forever. So close to being good.

I honestly believed that we could have a future. It seemed so real...

He was trying to turn good, he wanted to cut the ties to his demon side forever, and he wanted it. I could see it in his eyes.

For a little while, there was a time when his human side controlled the demon, a time when he wanted to get rid of the Belthazor side of him forever. For me.

He told me that before me, he had never known what it was like to be in love. That he didn't know he **could** love and then... Then he met me and he realised that there was more to him than the demon side.

As he told me once, so long ago: _"There were mornings I'd wake up next to you and I didn't feel evil. I was just a normal guy in love with a beautiful girl. I wanted it so much, I started to believe my own lie."_

For a little while, we all believed his lie. We all thought that he and I could have that. That we could be together.

_But you can't get to heaven   
Half off the ground   
Everybody knows   
Almost doesn't count_

But in the end, I guess I was right when he first came back after I pretended to vanquish him and I told him, _"somewhere inside of you, you'll always be evil. And you can't ever change that."_

I knew that the demon side was there all along, I just thought that the human side of him and our live was stronger and that we could beat the demon half and be together.

But we couldn't. In the end, I was right, there was a part of him that was always going to be evil, and that part eventually won. The rest of him was lost and there was nothing I can do to save him.

_I can't keep on lovin' you   
One foot outside the door   
I hear a funny hesitation   
Of a heart that's never really sure_

I'll never not love Cole, but I also knew that what there was between us ended the moment he killed Jenna.

What we shared was shattered in that moment and it could never be repaired. In the end, he had to choose between two sides of himself, and the side that belonged to me lost.

He tried, I know he did, but it wasn't enough.

_Can't keep on tryin'   
If you're looking for more   
Than all that I could give you   
Than what you came here for_

I gave him all that I could. I tried to save him.

Even when my sisters began to have doubts, I didn't. I honestly believe that he was good.

Until he murdered a witch right in front of my eyes, then I had to accept the fact that he was evil again and that the man I loved was gone.

Maybe if I had prepared the potion faster or if he had never rejoined the brotherhood, this never would have happened.

But it doesn't matter. I can't spend my life thinking about what might have beens, Cole's gone and I can't change that.

Not now, not ever.

_Gonna find me somebody   
Not afraid to let go   
Want a no doubt be there kind of man   
You came real close_

There have been other men in my life since Cole, but no one who could ever make me the feel way he did.

Cole was my soulmate, my one true love and I'll never find that again. I'll never love anyone like I loved him.

But that doesn't change the fact that what Cole and I shared is over. It's been over a long time. I loved Cole deeply, with more passion than I'll ever feel again, but then it ended and I had to let go.

In the end, I needed more than he could give me.

_But every time you built me up   
You only let me down   
And everybody knows   
Almost doesn't count_

He hurt me more than anyone else ever has or good. I invested so much faith in Cole, I really believed that I could inspire him to change. I thought that my love was enough to turn him good.

I guess in the end I was wrong. My love wasn't enough, nor was his love for me.

And it broke my heart to lose him back to his dark side, to know that this time there was nothing I could do to save him.

I've finally accepted that it doesn't matter that I almost did it, what matters is that I didn't. Almost doesn't count.

_Maybe you'll be sorry   
Maybe you'll be cold   
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby   
From the cruel cruel world_

Sometimes, I wonder what I would do if Cole came back and promised me that he had changed. That he wanted to be good again. That he'd do whatever it takes.

I think a part of me would want to take him back, would want to believe that we could be together again.

But I know that it's impossible. Cole's already proven that evil can't change, not really. And if he was ever to come back, I'd know that and I'd realise that it could never work between us.

No matter how hard we each tried.

_Almost convince me   
You're gonna stick around   
But everybody knows   
Almost doesn't count_

I wonder where he is now. What he's doing. I wonder if he ever thinks about me.

I'm pretty sure he does. Because even though we couldn't have a happy ending, I know that he loved me as much as I loved him and that feelings like that never change.

I honestly believe that somewhere deep inside, he too wonders what might have been. Wonders what our lives would have been like if only things had been different.

If only almost had counted.

The End


End file.
